In July of 2017, we were thrilled to find out we were expecting. Pregnancy is also met with anxiety for me, so of course I had my reservations but started to imagine a life with another baby. The first appointment went smoothly and we heard the heartbeat. We planned on a March 2018 baby and started to romanticize about our family. Our kids would roughly be 2 years apart and I imagined them to be the best of friends. I know you can't predict this...but my brain played movie reels of Will and his sibling running around our backyard together...I saw Will teaching his little brother/sister how to kick a soccer ball...I saw them braving High School together...I saw it all. I saw the future.
Then at 10 weeks, I was working the California fires with the national guard (in the office) and I started to spot. Then my spotting turned into unstoppable gushing. I knew that the movie reels I played in my head of my future family would cease to exist. I went to OBGYN crying with my uniform pants completely soaked in blood. I was embarrassed, sad, scared, and angry. The OB told me I was likely miscarrying and then sent me down the hall for tests and an ultrasound. I drove my hour commute home in complete silence sitting on a trash bag and with a tear stained face.
The OB called me in the morning and to our surprise stated that the baby was healthy and viable. This didn't make sense. She then said that they noticed a couple fibroids which may have contributed to a subchorionic hemorrhage. She said that bleeding is still never good in a pregnancy, but it appeared the baby was unaffected by the bleeding. Well...okay! Bring me the popcorn and my movie reel!
The next couple of weeks were smooth and I started easing into my pregnancy again. The walls were coming down slightly. The baby was growing and we found out we were having a girl! Everyone was elated. My sister-in-law also announced that she was having twins and our babies would only be 4 weeks apart. I incorporated the twins into my movie reel and daydreamed about how our babies would basically be triplets. I imagined our maternity leave together and our first family Christmas. It was all so perfect.
Then at 15 weeks I woke up with a debilitating pain. As I tried to stand up straight, I crumpled with pain. I could barely walk. Because Casey was out of town at a training, my Mother-In-Law drove me to the hospital. I was rushed back and everyone thought I had appendicitis. The ultrasound showed the baby was doing well, but also showed extremely large fibroids. Extremely large as in...the size of a cantaloupe. My appendix was fine....but my fibroids weren't. One of them was deteriorating and causing excruciating pain. The doctor prescribed me opiates and I refused. I needed to care for my baby and couldn't think about taking opiates or narcotics. However, the pain got worse...and worse...and worse. I was hospitalized for about 5 days and had no choice but to take pain meds. Guilt wrapped around me like a blanket.
My doctor said that it would only take two to three weeks for a fibroid to fully deteriorate and then the pain would be over. The baby still looked healthy and there was nothing to worry about.
Then...
Then came the bleeding. The subchorionic hemorrhage resurfaced around 18 weeks. I rushed to the hospital and was instantly admitted. They couldn't control my bleeding and I felt myself getting weaker and weaker. I was given one blood transfusion...and then that turned into two...and then three....and then up to 7. Blood was leaving my body faster than it was staying in. What. The. Fuck. This can't be happening. Was I dying?
The OB came to my hospital room and sat on my bed. She held my hand and said I wouldn't survive if I didn't terminate. I became numb. How the fuck was this happening again. I couldn't think. I couldn't see. I couldn't be. I remember myself hyperventilating and trying to get out of bed. Blood was gushing down my legs and I physically felt so weak it was hard to get up. I bawled and she continued to hold my hand. I asked her for more time to see if we could get the bleeding until control or to keep doing transfusions until I could deliver. She said I had about 14 hours before they needed to terminate the pregnancy. Time was ticking and my future family was shattered.
The bleeding didn't get better...in fact it got worse. The deadline was approaching but everyone knew what the outcome was going to be. The hemorrhage became uncontrollable and they had to move up my time to terminate the pregnancy. I felt numb and detached. Life seemed to be moving but without sound or color. How could my worst fear come true again? Why can't I have a healthy pregnancy. and also...would I survive this to be a mom for Will? I was scared. I felt weak and struggled with thinking. Was I going to be okay?
The doctor that performed the D&E was the same doctor I had for Robyn. I remembered him and his kind demeanor. I also remembered that he told me he and his wife went through 2 late term pregnancy losses that had to be terminated. I told him that I remembered this about him and here I was in the same situation. Be both cried and he wrapped his handed around mine. I remember he said that this needed to happen so I could live for my son and that I will survive this too. At that moment...I honestly didn't know how to feel about survival. My world felt shattered again.
So much for lightning never striking twice.
To be continued....