Update #1: Muterus
Casey and I went to the much-anticipated appointment with the specialist and got some pretty decent news! Although my muterus was not the result of us losing Robyn, it could use some handy work. Because I have a heart shaped uterus, the doctor wants to reshape it through surgery. I’m told it’s relatively common procedure with minimal complications. Doing this will provide a better environment for the baby and reduce the chances of a c-section. I’m reframing this procedure as “Extreme Makeover: Uterus Edition”. Also, sad news for the world, this will not be turned into a reality show with a hunky handyman named Ty. My procedure is June 23rd and I am filled with so many emotions.
1. Happiness: This feels like good news. Right? I feel like having the procedure and increasing the odds of a healthy pregnancy is something that I can control. I feel like I have a map with a direction whereas before I was wandering aimlessly.
2. Worry: There are complications to even the most minor of surgeries. What if something happens and my fertility is affected. I was told this is a small chance, but still a chance.
* Insert internal voice of ration *
Rational Voice: “Cassie, the world is full of unknowns. Why worry about everything?”
Me: “I worry so I can prepare for all of the outcomes”
Rational Voice: “Does that help or hurt the situation?”
Me: “Depends on the situation. In some cases…you know what…you’re right. I need to be in the moment. Oh mysterious internal voice of ration…how I appreciate your words of wisdom and how many times I choose to ignore you. Sigh
3. Anticipation: Every day I look at the calendar to see countdown. As each day passes, I am one step closer to being a mom. Sedate me already and fix my uterus.
4. Sadness: My muterus has taken on a character in my life. I feel like I am saying goodbye to an old friend that has overstayed her welcome. I have appreciated your company, but we must go our separate ways.
5. Worry: Yes, I know…I’m doing it again.
* Insert internal voice of ration *
Rational Voice: “Again? The world is full of….”
Me: “Yes, I know…but I’m still worried and I can share my worries in my blog.... so F*ck off. I love you but your stoicism is not needed at this time. Thanks! Xoxo”
6. Worry: I AM worried. What if the surgery damages my uterus? Will my body be thrown off kilter again? I feel like my body is finally feeling normal again. What if even after the surgery my amniotic sack ruptures again or we suffer another loss. Will my body and my psyche be able to handle it? So. Much. Unknown.
There are a lot of unknowns, but there is a direction now. That in itself feels like a warm comforting blanket.