I am completely struggling with being present in the moment. I want to be in control of my emotions and thoughts. I want to feel comfortable out in public and interacting with people with my normal cheerful demeanor. I want to go back to my job I absolutely love and feel so passionately about. However, I know I’m not there yet. It’s like going to an amusement park and knowing you are too short to ride this amazing and exciting rollercoaster. Despite your efforts to stand up taller, wear 4 pairs of socks, and wear platform shoes, you really aren’t deceiving anyone and you still have to wait until its time for you to meet that height requirement. So for now, I will practice living in the moment and enjoy a funnel cake until I can ride the rollercoaster I so desperately want to ride.
Living in the moment- “Ups”
- I have an incredibly amazing and supportive spouse. I feel so blessed that my husband and I are able to work through our pain together and not apart.
- Our friends and family have visited, texted, called, e-mailed, cooked, cleaned, and really been incredible to us. The amount of support we have received during this horrific time has really helped us to push forward.
- I HAVE PORNSTAR BOOBS. (Sorry family). It’s true though! Sadly it’s a cruel joke because they hurt and no touching allowed. Also, I am still wearing a diaper so the sexiness level is definitely brought down a couple notches. Oh wait…this is my positive section…I HAVE PORNSTAR BOOBS.
- I’ve been going on 1 ½ - 3 mile walks with Buster. The weather is absolutely beautiful here with the changing seasons (well…for Northern California). Today Buster and I walked 2 ½ miles in the rain and it was great! Getting fresh air and mild exercise has been incredibly helpful.
- Casey and I booked a trip to Bali! We wanted to take a break from life for a while and get lost in the beauty and peacefulness of Indonesia. We are planning our trip in March around Robyn’s due date and will hold a little ceremony so we can honor her for being in our lives.
Living in the Moment – “Downs”
- My spectacular pornstar boobs hurt and I am so saddened that baby Robyn will never have my milk.
- I am eligible for promotion to Captain but in order to do so I must take a physical fitness test in the next month. I’ve been on bed rest for 3 weeks and have not kept up with Army standard for the last 5 ½ months due to pregnancy. I know I need to be kind to myself, but I also do not want my…okay…I just caught myself. I’m stressing for the future and this is not living in the moment. Crap…okay…refocused…but I will still keep this (well, part of this) as a “down” because it was occupying my thoughts all day.
- Guilt. Conceptually I know that Casey and I did what was best for our baby, but I can’t help but feel guilty. I feel responsible that my body couldn’t create a place where our baby could develop and flourish. Why does it feel like my body is betraying me…betraying us? Also, I know doctors told us she would not be compatible with life, but we were ultimately responsible for her death. I won’t ever forget those unbearable choices.
- I miss our baby terribly. I miss her kicks. I miss talking to her in my belly. I miss thinking about her future with our family. I am ultimately heartbroken that she is no longer physically with us.
I need to be patient. I need to have love and compassion for myself. I know this is what I need to do, but I need to start implementing these practices. I can’t rush the process of grief and loss even though I fiercely want to. My commitment to myself is to celebrate my “ups” and to acknowledge and appreciate my “downs”.