I know that displacing my anger on an entire month seems a little extreme but this has been one hard f*cking month. December seems to be a constant reminder of loss and at times I feel like I’m drowning. I have been longing for happiness and it feels just at my fingertips. I can smell it. I can taste it. I can see it…but my grief forbids happiness to reside. Throughout the day I am able to experience moments of joy, but it merely seems like a vacation from my baseline of sadness.
Life around me is moving forward and yet I feel stuck and fixated on things I cannot change. When I see Christmas lights and decorated trees I am reminded of last Christmas when Casey and I spent our night in the ER while I was having a miscarriage. One moment we were gathered around our dining room table with family excited about the future and then we were experiencing the harsh reality of the fragility of life in the emergency room. Also, when I see pregnant women and babies I am reminded that my baby is no longer nestled inside of me. I feel so angry that my mind flashes to the things I don’t have because I genuinely feel fortunate for the things I do have. I struggle with this dichotomy of appreciation my brain conceptualizes and of loss my heart feels. I often feel cloaked in shame and guilt when I feel jealously towards others for their joy. It’s not that I am not genuinely happy for others, I am. However, I see their authenticity of bliss and I’m reminded that I’m just not there yet. It’s like ordering a savory soup when you are famished and on the brink of hypothermia (which btw is how I feel when I usually order my much beloved soups). The waiter brings out the appetizing soup and he warns you that it’s scalding hot and you need to wait until it cools down. You ignore his advice and raise the spoon to your lips only to realize that you have burned half of your taste buds annnd you probably should have listened. Now you are left watching others enjoy their meals while you patiently salivate. I am trying to be patient with myself, but it can be a struggle.
Current hobbies/coping skills that have been helping me on this journey
- Therapy: Nothing better than processing grief and loss in a safe space with an unbiased person! That was my personal shoutout to therapy because as a social worker, I am biased. In all seriousness, therapy has been so helpful during this process and has allowed me a place to feel free.
- Piano Lessons: I wanted to feel like I could control some aspects of my life. I love music and have wanted to take piano lessons for a while (I had lessons for 4 years as a kid). This has been extremely therapeutic and has helped me find myself again.
- Friends: Grabbing lunches...getting coffee...and just generally catching up has been awesome. It has helped me not isolate and feel normal again. Nothing better than grabbing a 3 hour lunch and gossiping ;-)
- Writing: Writing the blog has provided me with such a great avenue for self expression. I was on a hiatus for a while, but I'm back! :-)
- Crafts/decorating/home improvement: I came up with a list of several things around the house I wanted to fix or make. We moved into this house a year and a half ago and I never had time to do some of the things I have wanted to do. Thank you Pinterest for some easy step by step guides to home improvement/decoration!
- Cooking: I now have time to spend more than an hour cooking dinner. I feel like a food scientist muwhaha.
- Reading: I have become one with my kindle again. :-)
- Exercising: I ran for the first time in 6 months last week and it felt great. I need to get back in shape for Army standards, but it's been great to get some fresh air and my sweat on.
- Date Nights: Casey and I have always had date nights but I have been appreciating them more during this time. We have been going out to lots of movies, saw a Kings (basketball not hockey) game, went to a 49ers game, and have a couple concerts coming up (Ahhhh...Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds in January!) Lots of fun adventures with my love.
- Buster: How can I forget my therapy dog. Thank you for all the snuggling and long walks.