Last night I went to a Dave Matthews Band concert for the first time as a mom. I'm not sure why it seemed like a monumental moment, but it did. Perhaps it felt like a historic event because over the past 3 years I have been pregnant for 12 DMB shows and this was the first time I could sit through an entire concert without peeing 10 times. There is nothing more stressful than being at a giant concert venue and trying to find your way to the porta-a-potties in the dark AND then your way back to your tiny patch of grass while navigating through 5,000 other men that are dressed exactly the same as your husband. Anyway, I started to reflect on the past and where I was in the present.
Everyone says how much your life changes when you have a baby and boy are they right. Will has been such a blessing in our lives and I cannot imagine a world without him. As much as I wish we got to meet Robyn and have her in our lives, I truly feel as though Will has been a true rainbow baby. His spirit has chased away any lingering stormy clouds. This is not to say that motherhood/parenthood is easy by any means...but Will has made me feel rewarded for continuing with the journey.
I have been asked DOZENS of times when I will have another baby. Some of those asking know about our yo-yo baby journey and many do not. First of all...holy moley...I didn't realize this was a thing. Many of my mom friends get asked about more children all the time. I'm like...my vagina isn't even back to normal and I had a CSection! In reality though, I'm really undecided about the future. I know I want another kid...I'm just not sure if I want to go through pregnancy/birth again. But then I look at Will and I would LOVE more of him. Then there is also my muterus...
2 weeks after I went back to work (April), I started having some major complications. At first, I was told my increased bleeding was "normal" and could be attributed to my "weird uterus" (Yes...the doctor called my Uterus weird. I told him that I prefer the term Muterus...but that term sadly didn't stick). After being told multiple times that everything was normal, I requested to go in for an appointment. I'm glad I did because my fibroid was deteriorating inside me and my doctor said I needed surgery ASAP AND I will most likely have to get a hysterectomy. Ummm...excuse me? I was pissed that my new OB didn't listen to my concerns earlier, upset that I was still not in control of my body, and scared that I would no longer have a choice over whether or not I wanted more children. My surgery was scheduled 4 days later and the doctor told me to stay close to the hospital in case I hemorrhaged. K thanks...Ill just sit on my couch and watch Teen Mom reruns waiting for my uterus to explode. Then...I did in fact hemorrhage later that night. I had to go in for emergency surgery and fortunately they were able to #savethemuterus . However, I was admitted to the hospital because they couldn't control my bleeding. It was all a hot mess. The worst part was that all the staff had Pinkberry because they achieved some stupid goal and I was chillin' in the bed stuck with ice chips. Yes...I'm still bitter about it.
As of now (muterus intact), I have decided that I will revisit pregnancy/more children at the beginning of the year. I'm going to choose now to focus on my little guy and give my body and mind some more time to recalibrate. Oh, and there's a Pinkberry close by :-)